I'd gladly travel to give your cat an enema!

Road trip- Family reunion- Road trip home with teenagers-High school reunion...
Part one!

Whew, what an exhausting few weeks it’s been…

After traveling across the country with Chris and Amy, the wonder dog, we arrived in Georgia without any complications or stories to tell. It was boring except for the funny shops in Alabama like ‘Bills Bait, Ammo and Burger Shop’ and scarily checking into the ONLY motel in Mississippi that would allow the dog and when we closed the door the handle fell to the floor and we were trapped inside, but we didn’t care because it was air conditioned. Somehow we managed to get the door open and then we spent a few hours playing darts with the locals before locking ourselves back into our creepy motel for the night.

Then in Georgia we played redneck neck games that made my mother blush, drank too much beer, ate way too much delicious food and endured the many tricks and pranks that my family likes to pull. We had potato gun shooting contests, skinny dipping nights, and silly string wars. And of course we had to break into abandoned houses, sing obnoxious karaoke songs and crash the 4th of July parade in the small town of Blue Ridge. By Crash I mean we jumped on the floats and became the parade. Classic maneuver.

Then we started the ride back across the country with two love sick teenagers (Amanda and her boyfriend, Declan. The other kids flew to their dad’s house in Texas) and the wonder dog, Amy. Everything was hunky dory—we camped with some serious meth heads in southern Missouri and battled bugs as large as my youngest child. We cruised along singing country songs out loud and making friends along the way.

THEN WE HIT KANSAS…

We stopped just outside of Kansas City for some BBQ and when I say BBQ I mean AMAZING BBQ and beans that pretty much melted in your mouth. We ordered extra beans to take with us and hit the road again, trying to get to Colorado before nightfall. Kansas. Kansas is a VERY straight state; the road doesn’t curve, AT ALL! The scenery doesn’t change AT ALL. The terrain is exactly the same through the WHOLE STATE! It’s like being in a black hole. And then the gas started…the beans kicked in… the wonder dog, Amy, smelled like fish and the terrain remained the same! EXACTLY THE SAME THROUGH THE WHOLE STATE!!! And then we couldn’t find a bathroom and my minuscule bladder was moaning in pain and someone kept farting and the dog kept panting and the terrain remained the same and the road went STRAIGHT!!!!

I peed on the side of the road and splattered my flip flops because I was trying to hurry and get OUT of Kansas. After I wiped my feet off with one of the many napkins that we snagged from the BBQ place we headed back on the VERY STRAIGHT road again.

Did I mention that the road was VERY STRAIGHT AND THAT THE TERRAIN NEVER CHANGED? EVER!!!

Honestly, I don’t understand WHY Dorothy wanted to leave OZ and return to Kansas. Kansas makes you dizzy; Kansas and their amazing beans omit odors in people that are… inhuman. Kansas makes you feel like you’re upside down in a bowl of cotton candy, green cotton candy. At one point I punched Chris and said: “Are you fucking kidding me are we still in Kansas?” Like it was his fault. We even pulled over to check our map in case we screwed up and went north or something. And every so often the teenagers would awaken from their slumber with drool on their lips and mumble “Are we still in Kansas?” before drifting off again into their STRAIGHT ROAD INDUCED SLUMBER.

Next time my sister calls from Texas to ask if I would mind driving out to help her give her cat an enema I’ll say, “Of course, piece of cake!”

Because I’ve been to Kansas!