So, basically I was un-prepared for these discussions. Alternate title: I'm re-thinking everything I ever think of doing. Either one works.

So, this whole vacation rental thing in our back house is turning into a nightmare. My children informed me that they would move out if I let the sketchy guy with the porn star friend stay in the guest house after they spied on him while he was ‘working’ down on Venice beach.

I was like, listen little nuggets you can’t judge someone just be glancing at them, look at Susan Boyle. They held firm to their decision though and stared me down with their hands on their hips. So… I texted the sketchy man and said that we had to have an emergency termite fumigation. He was cool with that and texted me back saying he wanted to come when the termite situation was over. Shoot, now I am stuck in a major lie with him.

The next tenants arrived on Friday—they were gay, VERY gay. I loved them, they were cute and friendly and they paid in cash. The thing is, my fourteen year old son’s room is above the guest house. He’s fourteen; his hormones are all over the place. The two rooms are connected via a spiral indoor staircase—there is a wooden sound barrier at the top of the stairs which is OK, but not great.

SO…

I made Cody sleep in the house for the weekend because I don’t think he needs to hear sex all night, gay or straight. Of course the girls were asking me 156 questions about WHY Cody was sleeping on the couch and WHEN is he going to go back to his room? After some deep meditative breaths I explained that we had paying guests out back and we needed to give them privacy and then I rushed them out for ice-cream.

Then…

Megan says, “Are they gay?”
“Yes” I answered
“Do they kiss?”
“Yes”
She thought about this for awhile and licked her strawberry lips. After a moment or two she flung her long ponytail around and said “I don’t want to hear any more.”

Christie, on the other hand, was inquisitive and asked me deeper questions. Christie, the child who collects teeth and still thinks that children are born through the belly button asked me if they showered together, I replied honestly and said, “yes, I’m sure they do.”
“Do they cuddle?”
“Yes”
“Do they love each other?”
“Yes”
“Are they married?”
“I don’t know”
“Do they make the same noises that you and Chris make at night?”
“Yes. NO! I DON'T KNOW! PLEASE eat your ice-cream”

Next up is a couple from Belgium and then a family from the south of France (that I’m assuming sunbathes topless) with their 15 year old daughter whom I’m sure my fourteen year old son and all his friends will ogle over and spy on every chance they get.

So basically, it’s going to be a summer of sex education over here at Case De Mariah.

P.S. I’m moving out for a few months.