Carpet Munchers and On-Line Spies

Dear top secret spies~

I totally understand the need to feel involved, important and nosey. I do. When I was 17 I made business cards that read: Private investigator for hire… let Mariah do your dirty work—because I was nosey. I spelled investigator wrong on those business cards and I looked like an idiot. Much the way you on-line spies are looking.

Here’s a tip: See those little kids on my header—the skinny stick figure ones with the blacked out faces?? Well, let me tell you a little secret…when you read what I write here and on Twitter and then report back to their mother, they get hurt. It causes unnecessary turmoil in an already ‘turmoiled’ house. You don’t really know the details of the sticky situation that we have over here, and if you did I think you would shut up, unless of course you are just a spiteful cruel person that wishes high school never ended. And, if that’s the case then carry on and be your super stealthy self and report EVERYTHING we say on-line to their mother, because I’m sure it makes you feel really important to be involved in something that has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!

Here’s another tip: High School ended.

In my defense, I’ve been nothing but good to those little rugrats and I say rugrats with the utmost of love. Shit, when my kids were younger I called them ‘carpet munchers’, without realizing the sexual innuendo (I just thought it was funny, because they were always crawling around on the carpet)—until the day my sister told me what ‘carpet munchers’ meant and then I started calling them floor fuckers and slumber suckers. Again, with the utmost of love…

Oh yeah, and about that whole ‘carpet muncher’ innuendo thing??

It’s not necessary…

Three words: SHAVE. WAX. LASER.

That goes for you men too, nobody wants to end up picking pubic hairs out of their teeth all night, it’s not very polite.

Much love,
your super stealthy ex-investigator friend, Mariah