Teeth. The big, the strong and the furry

Dear Family,

I am not a dental hygienist, a dentist, an orthodontist or an endodontist, so quit talking to me about your teeth issues. I do not like teeth issues.

Dad, I know you think it’s hilarious that you hid one of your pulled-out teeth in my rock collection and laughed as I screamed out loud when I stumbled upon it thinking it was a cool rock. It wasn’t funny. It’s also not funny when you lift your up your lips to show ANYONE within 10 feet the ‘surfboard design’ on your back tooth. I hate to bust your bubble, but it really doesn’t look anything at all like a surfboard, it is merely a vertical stain versus a horizontal stain. Trust me, it doesn’t really mean you are the king Kahuna.

Mom, thank you for NOT discussing your teeth issues with me, I love you.

Amanda, I know that you’ve had some painful dental work done and I know that you were hoping for some stronger drugs, personally I was too, because I think sharing is caring.

Dentist, (including Endodontist, dental assistant, billing personnel, maintenance crew and mailman) You all are sick individuals for examining Amanda’s tooth so intently. I know that it had some freakishly long and curvy roots that mangled around in odd directions, but was it necessary to ooh and aah over it and pass it around the office? It was kind of creepy. You guys are weird.

Cody, I cannot help you with your furry teeth. No, I don’t want to touch them. Please brush them.

Megan, you have not discussed your teeth with me, bless you.

Christie, Christie. Christie. Christie. When your tooth fell out and you said you were going to bypass the whole tooth fairy thing and just add it to your ‘other’ collection of teeth, I thought you were kidding. I really did. I don’t understand WHY you have a collection of teeth, and I don’t think I want to.

Grandma, (rest in peace) you will be happy to know that all of those teeth you handed me in the past and all of the teeth I have found lying around the house and IN THE WASHING MACHINE, have found their way into a small box beneath a pile of dirty socks in Christie’s room.

Sylvia, I love when you smile and flash me your golden grills, I love it almost as much as when I come into the house after you have spent the day cleaning here. You’re cute.

Dogs, Your farts smell like nasty morning mouth and it reminds me of nasty teeth. Please stop.

Love me.