My family is BIG on the pranks, it's pretty much what we live for. That and hula hooping while downing beer.

My siblings and I have found great joy in hiding our baby's dirty diapers in suitcases and under the kitchen sink when we visit each others houses. It's customary and expected, so I wasn't surprised at all when my brother stuffed his baby's dirty diaper in our glove box. I'm onto his tricks and I caught it before we started back home.

What I didn't catch was the lovely dead fish that my uncle stuffed into our gas tank door and we didn't find it for several days. It was raunchy and the whole car smelled like rotting fish.

I'm in Kansas right now typing this on my phone as we make our way back across the country with my brother's phone number plastered all over our car windows with, 'For a good time call Bruce' his name isn't really Bruce, but I sure hope he's
getting some weird phone calls

Alone with the night

Sometimes I wonder as I roam around this rustic lake house in the dark of night…

I wonder how I was granted such gifts in life as I stumble over one of the many bodies that adorn the halls with their peaceful slumber. I gather toys strewn about and effortlessly tuck them away into the safety of the nearest closet, only to be brought out again with the light of the new day.

Carefully I tuck a leg back under the covers from which it has escaped, and gently wipe away stray strands of hair—bending down my lips gently touch the forehead of a sleeping child.

Roaming the quiet house I hear heavy breathing through the cracked doors of several bedrooms; lazily I collect piles of matching pajamas and fuzzy slippers and toss them down the stairs where they greedily land atop the overused washing machine.

Bread crumbs decorate the granite counter tops and small greasy fingerprints cover the glass of the knee high oven. I stumble over the numerous bowls of dog food as I reach over to flip the light switch into the down position.

The bright light of the half moon creeps slowly into the kitchen where I stand facing my reflection in the microwave. Unexpectedly I am overcome with emotions as my thoughts jump and dance in the safety of the hushed night.

I cry for a moment or two … mourning past mistakes and choking on guilt. After several minutes, or perhaps an hour I smile at my reflection with the contentment that I am exactly where I should be...

Here with my family.

Into the desert~

Escaping to the desert, feeling the warm dry breeze encircling me—whispers carried with the wind. A lone coyote cry lingers in the night air arousing me; deeply I inhale, feeling the ancestors of my past…

Their souls restless, yet comforting with their familiarity.

Tiptoeing along the crest of a fallen rock I am forced to stare deeply into the gorge beneath me. The deep darkness wants to reach up and grab my toes with skinny fingers, forcing me down.

Down

Down

Down

Down where the earth is warmed from bubbling lava, down to the mysterious darkness…

Down where I am safe from pointed words and stinging expectations. Down where the earth can swallow me whole and digest me with ease.

A persistent passing serpent rattles my mind out of the comatose state of doom.

Bending down I unleash the grasp of skinny strong fingers upon my shoeless feet.

Instinctively I grab a handful of earth and roll the shimmering softness around in the palm of my hand while slowly letting it slip between my fingers. Only to be carried carelessly away. I can’t help but to follow the earth as it dances with the wind before settling on a hill behind a boulder.

Free.

Reluctantly, yet willingly, I lay my head down against the cracked dry earth of the desert floor where I am greeted by a million stars of my ancestors past.

I am free.

Our first leg of this trip is almost over, Chris and I have traveled through nine states and I have accumulated about ten pounds of sweat in-between my boobs. Seriously, these southern state are HOT!

We have been on the road since Tuesday and it is now Saturday. We have only showered once because it's too HOT to shower. We have not eaten anything besides peanuts because it's TOO HOT to eat.

I'm sitting by a river right now in Alabama watching little kids jump into the water in their underwear and I feel like a pervert, but it's TOO HOT for me to get up and move.

After we pick up the kids from the airport we'll spend the next ten days doing really important stuff like water-skiing and white water rafting.
Last year my uncle let me fly his plane, I've already been informed that I am not invited to fly it again this year--but I will be the champion of the potato-gun-shooting competition...

Dear body,

We need to chat.

We have planned this whole road trip thing for a few months and for a few months I went without a period. Which was great besides the pregnancy scare.

Body, your timing stinks. It wasn't very fun to be granted my period while in a petrified forest in Arizona. It also wasn't very fun to sit in a car for a few hours with wadded up fast food napkins in my underwear before finding the nearest store. Which, by the way, ONLY sold pads-- pads which leaked.

Body, the dog was creeping me out when she licked her lips at me because apparently I smelled like a raw steak.

Body, I washed my shorts at a dirty gas station and they are now hanging out of the car window like an angry kite.

I undertand that things happen when they're supposed to, but it would be awesome if this travelers constipation thing would just give in. There's only so much I can blame on the dog.

Love me

Pint Sized Chatter

We had my cute as shit nieces here for the weekend, ages 1 and a half, 4 and 5. I was proud, my brother actually packed diapers this time, he's a real gem. We also had Chris' kids here as well, ages 5 and 7. However, my kids are with their dad for a week.

Nice timing huh?

Anyway, I was in the kitchen cleaning up smeared peanut butter off of the floor when my little nieces came trotting in with their dirty dresses and their hands on their hips.

The 5 year old said, "Um excuse me aunt Mariah, but that little boy showed us his privates."

Then the 4 year old said, "Yeah, it looked like a silly elephant trunk."

Then collectively they told me that they think boy privates are weird.

Good girls.

Am I the only one that feels like this?

I’m sorry… but what is going on with graduations??

This time of year drives me bonkers. I have overheard SO MANY conversations lately…

‘I’m on my way to my kid’s graduation’.
YOUR KID WHO IS IN PRESCHOOL!! Seriously how hard can it be to pass preschool?? You color, you play in the sand and you occasionally cook cookies.

Then I heard ON THE NEWS: ‘My son is graduating Kindergarten today’
PLEASE… Kindergarten is the best YEAR EVER!!! You play with clay, you get to go to recess and then color and maybe plant a pumpkin in the school’s garden. THERE IS NOTHING TO GRADUATE!

Any why are parents handing their kindergarten ‘graduates’ flowers??

And the parties… Oy!
Don’t even get me started on the parties; the parties are ALL for the parents so they can sit around and nibble on snacks while they ‘kiss up’ to the teacher and talk to the other parents about their summer plans and how wonderfully amazing their children are.

Makes me want to throw up.

Today I attended my son’s ‘graduation’ from middle school. Call me a bad mom, but I think all of this graduating stuff is OVER BOARD! It takes away from the more important accomplishments in life. Of course I attended his ‘graduation’ and snapped a few pictures of him up on stage, but inside I was thinking, ‘this is ridiculous’.

What do I and my kids have to look forward to?
We have been to 4 kindergarten graduations
2 middle school graduations and
3 elementary graduations
I’m tired of them, and they just keep on getting more and more out of control.

I’m afraid if these things don’t calm down a bit I’m going to be too burned out to attend my daughter’s high school graduation next year. I think I am going to boycott any graduation from now on, unless it’s from high school or college. Yep, that’s what I’m going to do… burn more bridges in my neighborhood--because I'm wild like that.

Besides, what ever happened to good old fashioned ice cream and pizza parties and then calling it a day…or maybe a year?